19 May 2008

How am I? I don't know.

Family obligations, multiple jobs, having a house on the market, and preparing to move my family halfway across the country in a little over two months, not to mention the usual daily details have left me little time for introspection lately, and even though part of the reason I keep this blog is to record the day-to-day - both for my future self, and for long-distance family and friends - I have a hard time sitting down to write when I feel I have nothing to say.

It's not so much that I have nothing say, that's not true, it's just that I don't know what I have to say because I haven't had time to think about it, and yet... here I am.

The end of the school year is approaching, our house is not selling, and I can feel a black panic creeping up behind me, like flood waters rising at an imperceptible pace. They weren't there the last time I looked, but now I'm ankle deep!

The what ifs are beginning to feel imminent: what if we can't sell the house or find a renter? what if we can't afford the moving truck? what if we don't actually get into the graduate housing? what if Steve can't find a job? what if we can't find childcare for Freya? And they're not all that rational: what if the people at the University change their minds and decide I'm not actually good enough to be in the program after all? what if all of the people I owe money to decide they want to collect tomorrow or force me into indentured servitude?

I try not to think about them. I shut them out, I'm pretty good at that, but they're still there and I know that holding the panic at bay involves a careful balance of not thinking, and thinking critically. I'm trying to do that, I'm trying.

It's just that from this perspective, from the angle I'm standing at right now today, it's hard to tell if I'm doing a good job. I alternate regularly - often eighteen or nineteen times a day - between marveling at how much I do, and seeing clearly what a hopeless failure I am at being a grown-up.

7 comments:

Tracey said...

You are not a failure as a grown-up. Our perceptions of grown-ups as giants who always had a plan and were executing them perfectly were exactly that - childish perceptions. You have 2 wonderful, well cared for children, you try to pay your bills on time, you are in a stable relationship, you handle your challenges with humor and intelligence, and you are not afraid of hard work. Or at least not too afraid. And you do it all without losing your ability to think like a kid, making you a fun mother and a tolerant friend. You are not only a successful adult, you are an inspiration. And I love you. So there!

Ciaran said...

Whodathought, me agreeing with tracey.

Dad

Amy said...

Well I don't know how I am either and I don't have nearly as much going on as you do!

I think you're doing great.

Misty said...

what if's are an evil stalker, aren't they? Encouraging you to cast them aside would make me a hypocrit because God knows I worry and, at desperate times make the what if's my closest companion...

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I feel that way many times and I don't have nearly as much going on as you do. You're doing great!

Jen said...

" I alternate regularly - often eighteen or nineteen times a day - between marveling at how much I do, and seeing clearly what a hopeless failure I am at being a grown-up."
I feel that way all the time do and I seriously just spend most of my time sitting around and wishing I had chocolate cake. You're doing wonderfully and you are in no way a failure at being a grown-up. You're in a hectic patch right now but that won't last forever and soon you'll feel like your back on a more even keel.

andi said...

Try not to let the what-ifs drive you crazy. And I'll tell you again how amazed I am by your courage to go to school. I don't think I would be so brave. I think that alone is making you a wonderful role model for your girls and a definite non-failure as an adult.