I know all kids say crazy stuff, but...

"Oh sister, why are you so sad? Let's go see the Great Vagina."

Until tomorrow

I was reminded today why I'm here. It was timely. In trying to figure out the next step, I've been doubting everything lately, wondering what I'm doing here: alternately pushing myself to get things done, then resigning myself to defeat when I fail.

But after exhausting all avenues of distraction today - playing scrabble on facebook, chatting with friends, driving around aimlessly for a while - I actually wrote. A lot. A new story that's about a lot of things - maybe too many - that has (at least for this afternoon) made me remember why I'm here and why it is the right place for me. At least for now.

My New Job at Burger King

This post was written back when I had about three readers. This is different from today how? you ask. Now I have three different readers. So I'm reposting. Enjoy. Original post date: 6/8/07.

I have decided to go look for a job at Burger King, because at least then I would receive adequate training. They probably even have corporate training videos that I could watch in the manager's cave-like office that smells of greased pickles.

I'm not sure who to complain to about this, but my children did not come with instructional videos and I really don't feel like washing dishes that seem to breed every time I turn my back and that I sure as hell am not getting paid to wash.

At Burger King I would be trained to serve people crappy food, but damn, would I be trained well. The manager, let's call him Ronnie, would be in his late-thirties. He's wanted to be the manager of this particular Burger King since he was just a kid, so he takes his job really seriously. It actually hurts him deeply if an employee feels that he did not train them properly, and he's not afraid to make them feel guilty for upsetting him.

But Ronnie and I will get along great. I'm not like all those high school kids who think that this is just a place to make a few bucks on the way to the rest of their lives, oh no. Of course I can't bring the same kind of enthusiasm to my work as Ronnie, but I have a deep appreciation of the important work we all do here.

Of course the thorough employee training is a huge attraction, but there are other benefits as well. For one thing, no one breaks two glasses in a single day at Burger King because they have cleverly eliminated glasses all together. Brilliant.

No one knocks over the lamps at Burger King and then pretends they have no idea what happened, this is because the lamps are tied to the ceiling. I am thinking of stealing this idea for my home actually. Don't tell Ronnie, he might feel it was his duty to report me to corporate headquarters.

Also (and I'm guessing here because I don't have the statistics handy) I'd be willing to bet that children and kittens don't regularly pee and poop on the floor at Burger King. Oh sure, there might be the occasional accident, but I can smile sympathetically at the poor mother of the unfortunate toddler as I clean the floor with my over sized mop because, hey, it wasn't my toddler. Besides, I will be getting paid to clean that shit up.

I can offer the same exact smile for the following: screaming children, crying children, unfuckingbelieveably whiny children, and children who are served food and then refuse to eat it. My calm and sympathetic demeanor will be absolutely zen. Ronnie will probably want to promote me to assistant manager, but unfortunately he already promised the position to eighteen-year-old girlfriend Veronica.

But this too is okay, because I don't want to be a manager, in fact, part of the attraction of my new job is the total lack of responsibility. I know Ronnie tells me I have an obligation to make our customers happy, but I don't have to balance the books, keep the fridges in the back stocked with an assortment of meals and snacks, wash every one's uniforms, or clean the whole place all by myself without so much as a thank-you. Ronnie will always say thank-you.

Maybe if my children had come with a few of the benefits that my new job includes I might feel differently. But as it is I think that everyone will be happier if I am happier, and so I have decided to leave my family and work 12-18 hours a day at Burger King. I think I will be a more relaxed and balanced individual and I'm pretty sure that if I am relaxed and happy, I will be a better mother as well.

Settling Back In, Making Goals

Every few hours I stop and sigh. The trip east to the Berkshires was lovely, relaxing in some ways, stressful in others. It felt odd to be wanting to come home - home being Missouri - having wanted for months to go home - home being the Berkshires.

I've started thinking about The Future. There's this whole progression of grad school stuff that creeps backward from admission into a PhD program to now, meaning that even though I could probably put off thinking about stuff until the summer, I sort of forced to start now: choose an advisor, based on what my thesis will be about; choose a thesis topic, based on what kind of PhD program I want; choose a PhD program, based on?

There are so many questions. Some - many - of them without answers. East Coast, West Coast or middle? Creative Writing or Literature? PhD, MFA or both?

Last year at this time I was waiting. Waiting, and planning my cross country trip with Fionn and Matilda to check out the places I'd decided on. I had decided on them. I thought I knew, and I did: what I wanted was set, the wheels were in motion, I was waiting, that's all.

Now, again, I have to choose. I have to sit down with Steve, mull over the many options - how close is too close to family? How far is too far away? Where will be best for us? For the girls? It's not like we're starting from scratch, as now have the experience of living here for a few months to balance out our thinking. Since we can't really ever know what the future will hold, that will just have to be enough. For now.