27 March 2007

The Pros and Cons of Losing Sanity

You know that when you find yourself daydreaming about having a mental breakdown you're in rough shape. The list of Things I Must Keep In My Brain is about twice the size of Things I Am Capable of Remembering at any given time. A total breakdown is seeming more and more attractive. Kind of like a vacation.

Just think how relaxing it would be - everyone would be worried, my mother, Steve, my friends, total strangers. All of the responsibility of bills and schoolwork and parenting would just disappear, be absorbed by the people around me. I wouldn't even have to make sure that I was fed, let alone care for my children. I am talking complete surrender, giving myself over to the unknown that is A Total Lack of Control.

I remind myself that control is what makes me keep it together. That a revaluation of the things in my life and the places I am going is not a Bad Thing. The list of Things That I Amazingly Keep In Mind All The Time is really, really long and - I think - pretty impressive. And I am getting better at focusing on one thing at a time and whittling down the list, even as it keeps on growing.

Still, I like to keep all my options on the table, and the more I think about it, the better a Total Mental Collapse is looking.

I had better remove it from the list of Things I Am Keeping In My Brain Right Now and put it into the I Will Think About This Later pile. It (and I) will be better off that way, I'm almost sure of it.


Annika said...

I have also been considering a mental breakdown (I would settle for a nervous breakdown, but I don't think people have those anymore). I have told Will that if I lose it, he is to send me to a spa. It is my only hope for recovery. In fact, I am willing to test out spas ahead of time. AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. Please just send me to a spa!

Annika said...

With my luck the spa will wind up being the Betty Ford Clinic, of course. No hot springs there.