05 September 2007

Not Exactly Perfect

I was supposed to meet her in the lobby. Instead, I waited in this ridiculously long line of cars to do what I thought I was supposed to do and pull around the front of the school to pick her up. I had to wait for every. single. slow-ass. school bus. to pull. through. the loop. It took forever.

She was waiting with her teacher. She wasn't mad, or even sad that I was almost fifteen minutes later than all the other kindergarten parents. She was fine. Her teacher told me I was supposed to meet them in the lobby.

How could I have missed that? How, when I was trying so hard to make a good impression and remember every little thing, could I have messed up the pick up plan on her first day of kindergarten?

I feel terrible. I know I should stop thinking about it and it probably wasn't that big a deal, but I can't help it. I feel like crying. I keep thinking that it was the only first day of kindergarten she's ever going to have and I screwed it up.

I tried so hard to make it perfect, to be perfect and I didn't, I can't. It's done, I should let it go, but I can't. I know that I'm completely blowing this out of proportion and I know that I'll probably get my period tomorrow and feel one hundred times better, but right now that's not helping.

Why does this matter so much? Why am I sitting here feeling like the worst mother ever when Matilda is fine, is upstairs playing with her sister, and had a great first day at school?


Cathy said...

Of course, I'm going to tell you to quit beating yourself up over a totally understandable mistake, but I also know the feeling you're describing.

In my case, I was late picking up my daughter from her former day care, and of course, that was the day I found her standing in the main hall, alone, crying, and running a blazing temperature.

But —

let it go. She had a good first day, regardless of anything you did or didn't do. And that is what matters. (she's probably wreaking havoc on the playroom even as you're fretting over this!)

Jen said...

Why does it matter so much? Because you're her mother! Of course you wanted everything to be just right! Soon she won't even remember (or care) that you went to the wrong place at first. She's only going to remember that she had a great day at school and that her awesome mom was there to pick her up at the end of the day. :)

Annie said...

Why? Because it's not about being in a line of cars instead of in the lobby. It's not about being late to pick her up. It's not about anything you did badly or did not do perfectly. It's about sending your first born baby to kindergarten. There ain't no way of doing it right because on some cosmic level it's all wrong! Yeah, it's where she should be, where she needs to be, where you want her to be, where you'd ache for her to be if for some awful reason she wasn't able to go to kindergarten, but still, she's out there in the wilderness without you, AND she doesn't need you to be on time. That's the rub, I think. Ignore all of the above with my blessings if you wannna. And -- it's okay to cry on your baby's first day of real school. It's sort of not okay not to. So there! Annie

PS: Just wait until you leave her off at her college dorm.

andi said...

Why does it matter so much? Because we women have this horrible thing called Mother Guilt. It is often totally irrational and ridiculous, but it's always there. Damn it!

I'm sorry you didn't have such a great day - at least it sounds like Matilda did have a good day and that's something.

Bananas said...

OHHH I feel for you. That totally sucks.

Jessica said...

I completely understand this feeling--it's part of being a Mom. You are totally free to feel however you feel, but know that you did your best and that's all you can do, and obviously your little (big) girl is none the worse for it. And she had a good first day, and you'll never forget where to pick her up again! Congrats on making it through the first day of school to both of you!

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Everyone else already said what I was going to say...You're a woman and a mom. That means we're responsible for everything. And we'll feel guilt when something doesn't go as planned.

It would be nice to be a man.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Girlfriend, I feel the same way. Even now. I HAVE to be there on time, in the lobby or the earth will open up and swallow me into the pits of hell especially reserved for horrid mothers.

We're crazy.

And it's called being a mom. We're crazy.

Annette Lyon said...

Jen just said what I was going to. You're a mom. That's why. Not that knowing said fact makes it any easier.

The only sure-fire solution I know: consume chocolate in large quantities.

Blue Momma said...

Cut yourself some slack. No one's perfect, even us Moms who try our hardest to be so for our kids.

She was probably happy for some one on one time with the teacher. She loves you anyway, so don't worry!

And I love your blog, if that counts for anything!

Maureen said...

Well, of COURSE you're not perfect.. who is?

I know how you feel though. One of daughter's first birthdays with a school mate was a disaster... we arrived just as it was finishing. I had the time wrong - wow, I was SICK with guilt and shame....