25 June 2008

In a network of lines that enlace*

I've been thinking a lot lately about the patterns people create for themselves. And while I dislike passing judgment as to whether those patterns are good, bad or indifferent, it's hard not to see some of them as self-destructive.

In my people watching these days it just seems like people make so many choices that keep them stuck where they are, for better or for worse. Like the teenager that really wants to do something good with her life but just can't seem to keep from sabotaging herself at every step. Or the married mother of four whose husband is so controlling that I wonder how she can function like that.

Maybe my awareness is heightened, maybe I see more in the lives of those I will leave behind because there are so many things in my own future that I can't see. I just know, moving forward, that the patterns that develop over time are the ones that I want to fight against. I want to always be ready to make new mistakes, not the same ones over and over again.

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Side note: Dear bloggy friends, I know I said this before, and I also know that I try to blog guilt-free, but I just want to let you know that if it's been forever since you've heard from me (and for most of you, it has) I have not forgotten you. My Google Reader is ridiculously full but I am determined to get through it one blogger at a time, so please, be patient. Thanks! Love, Nell.

* With apologies to Italo Calvino.

4 comments:

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Ohhh! Can I join in the mentally masturbating fun?

I often stop and wonder if all of the people watching/wonder I do is so I don't examine my own life more deeply.

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

I see those same things, the same mistakes made over and over. I hope I never succumb to that...its one of my biggest fears.

Hope to see you around soon! :)

Tracey said...

As someone who does make similar mistakes over and over, the thing I fear is not the pattern, or the possibility that it might take several tries to break it and create a new one, but that I won't see them. I am trained to see patterns- it is my job. Pattern layered upon pattern in some cases. No one doesn't have them in Chinese Medicine, because we are in a constant state of trying to rebalance ourselves. The woman that I work with compares it to flying a plane, where you're never quite on course, you're making small adjustments at all times in response to the atmosphere. I think psychological patterns can be the same, only unlike our bodies which are constantly trying to achieve homeostasis, we are not always aware of what is out of balance - control versus spontaneity, etc and therefore are not trying to correct them. It is not having that awareness that I fear. Fortunately I have friends who are not afraid to call me out on them.

andi said...

It's so true. I love watching people and trying to figure out their motivation for things. I find it so sad that the faults that others often see outside of themselves, are things they actually do too.