09 August 2007

Medusa V. Large Eyed Sad Girl and The Little Evil One

Drama - it's not just for blogs anymore. I lost it yesterday, completely fell apart. Here I give you a dramatic reenactment of the events that took place at my house last night between the hours of four and seven-thirty pm.

Medusa v. Large Eyed Sad Girl and The Little Evil One

ACT ONE: Ultimatums

Medusa, Large Eyed Sad Girl and The Little Evil One run around the stage, screaming and doing some kind of very bizarre modern dance portraying distress and despair - the colors are dark, greens and blacks and browns, mud colors.

The lights dim and single spot center stage seems to pull the two girls in as Medusa continues to run around them in circles, screaming and pulling at her hair.

Medusa: I will throw away all of your toys!

Little Evil One: Fine!

Medusa: I'll do it, I'll take them to the Goodwill right now!

Large Eyed Sad Girl: Why?!

Medusa: So children who know how to clean can enjoy them!

The three of them repeat this section twice, then the girls break away from each other and collapse in two heaps on the floor.

Medusa: Fine, you can go straight to bed then, no dinner, just go to bed!

Large Eyed Sad Girl: But we'll starve!

Medusa: Well your choice is simple then, what's it going to be - clean up your toys, or starve?

Long, long pause. Not such an easy choice after all. Some more yelling, then the girls are magically air lifted via Medusa's magic powers to their beds.

As soon as the children have gone, Medusa feels remorse, she cries, feels sorry for herself for a while and regrets her attempt to starve her little children.

She picks up the phone and dials a number.

Medusa: I need- I don't know, but bring me - I need something - help... I need, I don't know what... just - something!

She hangs up.

ACT TWO: Remorse

Medusa crawls through the narrow tunnel entrance to the children's lair. The floor is strewn with toys, small sharp plastic toys. She joins the children on Large Eyed Sad Girl's bed.

Medusa: I'm sorry I tried to starve you and throw all your toys away.

Blank stares. The children put their arms around each other.

Medusa: I love you both very much, I'm really sorry. Can we talk about some ideas? Things we can do to make this work better? (Waves hand vaguely in direction of toys.) Because really, if we can't, then they have to go.

Large Eyed Sad Girl: (shakes head sadly) I don't think I could love you anymore if you threw away my toys. I just don't think I could ever hug you or kiss you again.

Medusa: You wouldn't love me anymore?

Large Eyed Sad Girl: I just don't think I could.

Medusa looks at The Little Evil One.

The Little Evil One: I'm going to make you sad again. (She crosses her arms in front of herself defiantly.) I'm not going to clean my toys.

Medusa: Well, this is clearly not working. What can we do? I don't know what to do.

She starts wringing her hands and pacing. The children watch her - Large Eyed Sad Girl with concern, The Little Evil One with the aloofness of someone five time her age.

Large Eyed Sad Girl: How about if you ask us nice?

Medusa: (her eyes look a little wild again) I did! I did! I asked you nice and that never ever works, ever!

Large Eyed Sad Girl: But you didn't ask us like this - (she makes her voice high, artificial and saccharine sweet) please will you clean up your toys?

Medusa: Really? That works? Are you sure?

Large Eyed Sad Girl takes her hand gently and strokes it in a patronizing kind of way.

Large Eyed Sad Girl: Try it, Mother.

Medusa: (in the sweet, high voice) Girls, will you please clean up the toys that are downstairs, darlings, please?

Large Eyed Sad Girl and The Little Evil One smile and tilt their heads to one side.

Large Eyed Sad Girl: Of course, Mother, thanks you for asking so nicely.

Holding hands, the children leave Medusa alone in their bedroom cave of toys. Medusa clasps a hand to her head and collapses backwards onto the bed as violin music engulfs the stage.

ACT THREE: Anti-Climax

The children have cleaned half of the mess to which they were assigned. Dust balls and scraps of paper float around their feet. Medusa moves slowly, as if her feet were encased in lead, picking up toys and putting them away.

Large Eyed Sad Girl: We're done! Can we go outside now, Mother?

Medusa: (clearly dispirited) Okay.

When the children have gone, Medusa vacuums the floor, pushing hair out of her face distractedly. When she has finished, she exits stage left and returns with an open bottle of wine and a glass. She starts to pour, but changes her mind and drinks straight from the bottle. The lights dim as the sounds of children's happy, carefree laughter can be heard from outside.


Medusa and Hercules sit on the couch in the living room which is passably clean now. They are surrounded by food and wine: platters of grapes and cheese and crackers, strawberries and cream, legs of lamb, and whole ducks glisten. Bottles of wine stand silently breathing, waiting to serve Medusa's whim. A long agave plant sit apart from the rest.

Medusa sighs and leans back against the couch, contented now.

Medusa: I tried to starve them.

Hercules: I know.

Medusa: I tried to give all of their toys away.

Hercules: I know.

Medusa: I think I'm getting my period.

Hercules: I figured.

Medusa: Thanks for the food, and the wine, and the plant.

Hercules: You're welcome.

Medusa: It helps.

The lights start to dim, and Medusa stands.

Medusa: I better go turn out their lights.

Hercules nods and Medusa exits stage right, then returns.

Medusa: I love them.

Hercules: I know.

The End.


Blue Momma said...

What a great post! I have a Little Evil One, too.

I've taken most of his toys away, but then he just plays with himself. I'm afraid if I withhold food he may just chew off my leg or something.


Heather said...


Annie said...

Oh, dear Medusa, the drama has only begun! How lucky are you, O frightful one with snaky locks, to have found Hercules who flies in with a banquet and succor! Maybe you should give me the large eyed sad girl and the little evil one for a sleepover on Saturday night while you and the generous Hercules go home to more wine and peeled grapes. . .

Cathy said...

Love, LOVE this!

Um ... your Hercules brings you food, wine and plants?

Clearly, I am not getting the placating I deserve!

Ewokmama said...

I bet you're looking forward to the teenage years. ;)

Annika said...

I bet you're looking forward to the 23rd. (Didja see how I did that? Used my super-secret inside knowledge to exclude everyone else? Ha!) (I've had wine.)

andi said...

Wow. This was my day yesterday too. Many threats were made about cleaning up. And I too drank wine (well, port) but didn't think to just drink straight from the bottle. I should have read this earlier so I could have saved myself some misery.

Hope the kids still love you today. :)

Jenn said...

I"m going to try the high-pitched nice mommy voice next time. I keep threatening to throw away the toys but it never works.

Loved the post!

SilliGirl said...

I am truly impressed at how you managed to capture my week so well.

Oh, wait. This was about you?

Stepherz said...

I'm in love with this post. You are so awesome!

I'm going to call my husband tomorrow and use that line. "Just bring me something. Anything." Wonder what I'd get? Hmmmm. I gotta try it.

Your girls are so adorable and funny, I just wanna squeeze 'em.