Ask the Experts: How to Talk to Your Child About SEX

Transcript of panel discussion: 4 September 2007.

So, how do you talk to your child about sex? I say it's never too early... except when it is. Or not. I don't know, but that's why I've brought you a team of qualified professionals who are ready and willing to discuss the topic at length. And so without further ado, allow me to introduce today's panel:


From left to right:
Joy Assmunch, child sex therapist and motivational speaker, Sigmund Freud, expert on all things phallic and penis envy, Charlotte Haze/Humbert (as played by the lovely Shelley Winters), lover, wife and mother, The Dude (as played by Jeff Bridges) all around cool guy and laid back smoker, Freya, assertive toddler, even when she doesn't know what the heck she's talking about, and Dolores Haze aka Lolita (as played by Sue Lyon), nymphet.

Me: Thank you all for being here tonight, it means a lot to me that you were all able to travel, etcetera.

Joy: No really, thank you.

Me: Let's cut right to the chase, shall we? What do you say when your four-year-old (or two, three, whatever) wants to know where babies come from?

Freya: Your tummy!

Me: Well yes, but then they want to know how it got in there and I just get all...

Joy: Honestly I don't see the problem, why can't you just-

Charlotte: Don't see the problem? Hello! (points accusingly at Lolita) The little tramp stole my husband! If that's not a problem well I really don't - I never!

The Dude: Hey man...

Charlotte whips around and accidentally smacks The Dude's White Russian into his lap.

The Dude: Un-called-for.

Charlotte: Oh, I am so sorry, here, let me... (she takes out a lace handkerchief and focuses all her attention on wiping his lap)

Lolita: (rolling her eyes) Oh here we go.

Me: I don't want to lie, but I don't want to give too much information, you know?

Joy: A simple description is really best, you're absolutely right, just start with a description of the female anatomy, nothing else will make sense until you... here look.

She draws a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin.

Sigmund: The male organ is the most refined piece of equipment known to man or to woman. Sleek. Sophisticated...

Me: What?

Sigmund: A woman feels her own inadequacy the most acutely when confronted with the phallic in almost any form.

Me: Um, maybe we could give the others a chance? Doctor?

Lolita: Well, in my experience-

Charlotte: (looking up from The Dude's lap) Oh yes, and you do have SO much of it, don't you my dear?

Lolita: Honestly mother. Where do you think I learned it?

Charlotte: Why you little- you see? You all see don't you? What I put up with? She's like this all the time, only worse. It's just excruciating, really. It's a wonder I'm not more heavily medicated.

Me: Uh-huh. So back to my question, I really want to know you see, because-

Freya: I have to go pee.

Me: Yeah well, you know where the potty is.

Freya gets up and returns a few moments later. I ignore her.

Sigmund: Just as all males wish to return to the sanctity of their mother's wombs, women crave the male-

Joy: Oh for Pete's sake, give it a rest old man, and would you please stop tapping your cigar ash into my bikini?

Sigmund: Oh. Do you like my cigar, my dear? I thought you might.

Me: This is even worse than the last panel. We're getting no where. Dude? You haven't said much, what do you think about talking to kids about sex?

The Dude: A wise man once said something to me... I think it was... sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you. (he shrugs) You gotta take the day as it comes, you know, man?

Me: Um. Yeah. Listen, you had sex with Julianne Moore, remember? So you obviously know how it's done. Can we talk about that for a minute? How would you describe it to, say, a four-year-old?

Joy: THIS IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!

Everyone turns to look at her, except for Charlotte who is trying to lean on The Dude's shoulder without being obvious about it.

Joy: Children must be introduced to the spiritual aspects of sex before you can even begin trying to teach them the mechanics.

Sigmund: (nodding to Charlotte, who is not listening) Women are very sensual creatures. They crave the essence of man. (then to Joy) Go on, my dear.

Joy: Yes, so to try to talk to children about the actual, you know, actually, um, doing it before they're fourteen or twenty is really fruitless!

Lolita: Holy shit, are you for real? (to Freya, who shrugs) Is this lady for real? Christ, lady, if I'd a waited 'til I was fourteen - (snorts) - Jesus!

Freya: Let's pretend I'm the Mom and you're the kid.

Sigmund: Ah, regression therapy, this may prove insightful. The male child naturally wishes to return...

Me: Excuse me, Dr. Freud? With all due respect, could you please just shut the fuck up? I'm not sure if you know this, but most of your psycho-crap has been completely discredited.

Joy: Amen sista!

Me: Yeah, you too, Joy. I don't remember inviting you back, actually.

Joy: Oh, I pitched a tent in your yard. You don't mind, do you? If I use your shower?

Me: Fine, whatever, can we please focus for a minute?

Joy: Speaking of which, there's a new child's chastity belt on the market. If you just have them wear it every day starting when they're about three months old, they'll be quite used to it by the time they start school.

No one even acknowledges her.

Charlotte: Okay, okay, so when Lo was nine, we sat down, and I told her about how the birds and the bees fertilize the flowers and al about the natural circle of life. How we're all a part of it, you see, and...

Lolita: Oh puhleeze mother, you also told me about the stork, remember? And Santa Claus? I had to read sex magazines at Quilty's house just to find out anything useful at all.

Charlotte: Quilty? You mean that nice teacher from your school? You never told me...

Lolita: Oh right mother, because I tell you everything. Anyway, it wasn't until Humbert-

Charlotte: Don't you say his name! Harlot!

Joy: Okay, okay, hold everything! I have an idea. What if you just let them watch? At least then you wouldn't really have to, you know, talk, about, it. My friend Dr. Sears says that kids will eventually feel more independent and be able to live free and productive lives if parents-

Me: Seriously? That's the worst you've ever had! Worse even than the baby chastity belt - which is so missing the point, by the way - I mean, I'm no attachment parenting expert, but I'm pretty sure even Dr. Sears draws the line somewhere WAY before including your children in the actual, you know, love-making process. You're freaking nuts, woman!

Joy: (mumbling) ...experiential learning ... proven ... studies ... stupid, this is so stupid...

Sigmund: The child seeks knowledge of their spiritual existence before the trauma of birth because-

Me: Seriously Siggy, I'm done with you. Take your little cigar, or whatever you call it, and go. Just let yourself out. Yes, I'm serious. Off you go.

Sigmund exits, dejected. I feel a little bad, but not really, after all, he is Sigmund Freud. I sigh. This is not going as planned. I know these things get a little out of control, but now Charlotte and Lolita are competing for The Dude's attention and Freya has disappeared under the table.

Me: Okay, look. Here's what I want to know: what do I tell them? They want to know where babies come from, fine, I tell them all about how the baby grows in the womb and then the mommy pushes the baby out. But then they want more! It's never going to be enough for them, is it? They're always going to want to know why and how and why and how! Forever! And EVER!

The Dude: Pardon me, you don't, by any chance, have another White Russian? Just lying around?

Me: Why yes, The Dude, yes I do. Several, as a matter of fact.

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End transcript.

I'd like to apologize for the completely inconclusive panel today. In lieu of actual advice, allow me to offer you this helpful diagram illustrating the absolute necessity of sex education for girls. Parents of boys, you're on your own.

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Next Week, The Eternal Struggle:

A Toddler's Need for Nudity v. Society's Unreasonable Demands for Decency
One Toddler Speaks Out.