11 March 2008

What I Want: Part Two

Steve and I had a Talk the other night, about the many Big Decisions to be made and the many Things That Need to Get Done, both before and after the Big Decisions get made.

I've been worried about him lately, not wanting my continuing education to create some kind of divide between us. I mean what if he feels used? After all, there's no way I'd be able to do this without him. My future in reliant on his willingness to support the girls and I financially and emotionally while I go running full steam ahead after my educational dreams.

I want him to be happy. I want him to want to do this with me. And above all, I want to do everything in my power to prevent us from growing apart. As painful as it may be to imagine, it's not actually difficult. But knowledge is power! Right? I can prevent it from happening if I arm myself with the naked truth and face it head on! I have willpower in spades, stupid future, I can force its hand!

So we had this Talk. And here I should clarify that by we I mean I mostly talked and Steve mostly listened. That's just the way it is. I talk, I can't help it.

But part way in, just as I was picking up steam, really getting going, Steve pointed out that I was probably just feeling guilty. Guilty for being the one who's moving forward, guilty for not being the one offering unconditional support and devotion, guilty for asking my family to make huge changes just for me, guilty for expecting that they'll do it without making much of a fuss. Guilty.

Not only was he right, but he was so right, and it suddenly seemed so obvious, so clear. I stopped talking. The Talk was done, that was it. He had cut through all my bullshit about how I want him to see if there are classes he's interested in, groups to join, people he can meet...

It wasn't the kind of Talk that ends with a winner and a loser, but man, I felt like an idiot. How did I not see that? You know people always say love is blind, but I seriously had no idea that the same principle applied to guilt.


jennifer said...

I can see how you might feel guilty. Not that you should feel guilty, but I think I'd feel the same way.

Tate and I have had similar Talks. I know that he feels guilty for moving us for the betterment of my career. I won't lie and say that I don't sometimes feel resentful, but it's what's best for our family.

I think the pursuit of your education will be what's best for your family.

Misty said...

i can see how you would feel guilty. I feel guilty whenever i advance in something... It's great though, that you were able to get to this discovery together without all of the drama that sometimes happen when couples "talk". you know?

moosh in indy. said...

Guilt is a sneaky SOB, and it does come with double standards. I moved from my home of 25 years to a place where I knew no one, had no friends, and hadn't ever even seen where I would be living so my husband could go to grad school.
I considered taking a night class where he would have to come home early from school one night a week for eight weeks. I didn't end up doing it, because I felt guilty.
And now I regret it, even Cody was behind me.
Your husband will adapt, your family will adapt, you will be happy.
And if mama's happy, everybody's happy.

Cathy said...

I love how he was able to get right to the heart of the issue. And it sounds like he's right. Much of your worries do sound like they stem from guilt.

I would feel the same way. But it sounds like he fully supports your dreams. And that makes me like the guy even more!